Yet again

It wasn’t much comfort to her to believe that she wouldn’t ever get married, but it gave her some relief from the situation she was in at this moment. No, it was actually a great relief. She couldn’t do much about it but organize her thoughts. They wouldn’t listen to her. He wouldn’t change the way he was even if she said anything. She considered praying to God Almighty to let him in on her problem, then closed that thought away because she knew it wouldn’t make a difference unless she had the perserverence to pray and fast for a few years, which she didn’t have just yet. So it was more of a relief to believe that she wouldn’t pass his seed on by getting married. She wouldn’t risk ever creating another human being like him. She was like him. And that was enough. Wait… even if her brother wasn’t like him, would he have some kind of recessive gene that would create the chance that one of her brother’s children would still yet be like him? Was that possible? Maybe, maybe not. She wasn’t ready to complicate her thoughts that much.

She thought back upon the years that had passed by and decided that even though some things had changed, the biggest problems hadn’t. She was still a baby. She couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything about his behavior. He was still a baby. He drived everybody crazy trying to get his way. If he would just stop and think for a while, he would realize he was being unreasonable with everyone else. He wasn’t unreasonable when it came to himself. No, he wasn’t. Everything had to be so that it would be done his way. So that everything would match him. He couldn’t change his behavior to help other people, but others had to change what they did so that he could get his way. He yelled and shouted and broke plates and dishes and banged his hand on the table and yelled again. If he still didn’t get his way, he repeated everything all over again. Then, muttering some of the things he had yelled, he walked up the stairs to his room and lay down on his bed, reading his favorite book all the while having no need to convince himself that he had done anything out of line. His line was law. His words were law. The law was him, and he was law. No need to look anything up in the bible and maybe discover that “patience is a virtue” and “love forgives.” He knew that the bible was wrong. It was wrong because it was against him and thus, the law. No wonder those two clashed so much.

 She had once wondered why her mother never tried to get a divorce. She thought it would be enough to get a divorce, and like in the movies, her mother could probably even get the two children. With his disposition, nobody would ever trust anything in his hands. Not with what she had to say against him. She had lots of stories to tell, and to cry about. She thought, if she could only get these out to the public, nobody would ever think to trust him again. They would say, “he  messed up his life” and “he doesn’t deserve to have a family.” Even, “he’s a criminal and he’s messed up in his upper story.” Her mother wouldn’t fail at court. So she never knew why her mother didn’t even try. Why her mother didn’t even bring the word out of her mouth even once. But now she knew. Extraordinary, she thought. It was Him Almighty again. How amazing it was that the only thing holding her back could be…her religion. Have you ever thought about that? Did you ever realize that the only thing holding her back is something that you never care about? Something that you failed to believe? If you thought rationally, she was stupid. That much abuse and the only reason you can find not to leave him is the bible, His word? Does that even make sense? And yet, her mother knew. It was holding her up against her. The rational side of her brain was all gone. Eaten away by the bible.

I can’t do anything about it. I’m too small, I’m too weak, I’m too much of a coward. She can’t do anything about it either. But he can. He can torture her, he can abuse her, he can yell shout and scream at her. I can’t do anything, though. I’ve already given up. Can’t do anything. Thought about every possible solution. Can I call the police on him? Can I tell my Mom to divorce him and get it over with? I could have said I’d support her in anything. I could yell  at him. I could yell shout and scream at him but then what would I become. Just him again. Patience is a virtue. And love does forgive. I’ve been patient, and I forgave him. Well, maybe not just yet but I’d like to think I have.

~ by skyami on January 4, 2008.