First Person Singular
Can’t write in that anymore. If it’s implied, maybe. Like this is right now. But, for writing purposes…third person is easier.
She doesn’t have to think about anything. It’s not even her, really. She can say something and you’d never know if she’s talking about “I” or some other person who is also a female. She can lie, and it wouldn’t matter. Would it?
She thought that it would have been nice for her to have been born autistic. People might think of her in a disapproving way for thinking this. Well, they wouldn’t know anyway, if it was just a thought. But she thought this because then she would have an excuse for everything she did. An excuse for not being so bright and sharp. If everybody thought she was normal, then she didn’t have any excuses. She had to be normal and act normal or else they would think she was weird. She didn’t want to be weird. Was it weird to be autistic? No. It was just sad. There was some problem with you…some problem that you couldn’t be blamed for having. It was a chance happening that it had to be you. Then she could have said truthfully,
It’s not my fault I can’t focus on that. It’s not my fault I’m not good at talking to people. It’s not my fault I can’t multitask.
She was weak. Weak for wanting to have an excuse for being weak. Weak for making up excuses and blaming things for her faults. When would she learn to speak up for herself? She could hear her mother in her head say, ‘Mouths were made for doing something. What are you gonna do with your mouth if not talk?’ She could never give her mother an answer to this rhetorical question, because she could never think fast enough to think of one. But written down…! She knew the answer to this question. There were a lot of other things you could do with your mouth besides talking. You could whistle (which she could not do), you could sing (which she could do), you could kiss (that she could do) and kiss and kiss and kiss…You could tell she was fond of kissing. (Well, that was a half-truth, because she did not like to kiss anyone on the mouth, especially if that person was kissing her back.)
Leave a Reply